Tale of the sad layer cake

So I just bought my shiny new Kitchen-Aid mixer & I had this great plan to surprise Josh with a delicious cake for a belated I Love You Day present (I'll explain in a later post...). So I went to Martha Stewart.com thinkin' "Martha is like, the CAKE MASTER(!) & I'm gonna make a cake just like Martha". Unfortunately, the model cake in the picture is made of plastic or something, 'cause mine didn't come out lookin' like Martha's...

Sadly, this was my end result:

So, at this point, I was pretty optimistic. I thought, "hey! It probably tastes good! I've eaten lots of other people's deformed cookies & they were pretty delicious." So I just put it in the fridge & hoped that when it got cold, it would solidify a bit & not self-implode. How wrong I was. Oh, how wrong I was.

This is 15 minutes later:

First of all, I must put a disclaimer here. In no way, shape, or form do Josh or I drink Beringer Rose wine. One of Josh's weird friends left it here. But we do not. I repeat, do NOT drink Beringer Rose wine. Now that that's settled, back to the disaster of a layer cake. So, now I'm a little peeved. After 10 minutes of trying to doctor up this cake, I'm giving up. But we will STILL EAT THE CAKE!

Why? Because I spent a buttload of money on stupid "Special" Mascarpone Cheese for the dumb frosting.

Word to the wise: don't make homemade Mascarpone Cheese frosting. Did you know, Mascarpone Cheese is like, $5 a carton!?!?!